I shared exciting news last week on Instagram. If you missed it, you can see it here.
In essence, I took the advice I shared in my last blog, and decided to stop waiting, and order my dream car: a Tesla. As thrilling as this moment was, it was also terrifying. I was saying “yes” to a bigger version of myself—to a bigger vision for my life.
I’m not usually emotional about cars—as long as it gets me from point A to point B safely, I don’t really care. I’ve been driving a Honda Civic for the last three years. And, yet, there was something about this car. I lit up inside when I saw it or read about it (I signed up for Tesla’s email list a year ago)!
A part of me assumed that that car, and the life I imagined came with it, was above me. A girl from a single-parent home in Charleston, WV, did not belong in that car. Yet, here I was, about to buy it, and step into another life!
I woke up the next morning looking like this:
I felt sick as a dog. I went from elated to deflated overnight.
What the heck happened?
The good news is I knew, because I had experienced this before. The last time was right after I hired my life coach at a rate of $30K per year. I woke up the next morning with a sore throat and runny nose.
So, what’s the deal?
It’s what Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap, calls hitting an Upper Limit. According to him, we have an internal thermostat setting for how much love, success, happiness, intimacy and creativity we allow ourselves. When things get too good and push us beyond our happiness set point, an internal response immediately gets triggered to put us back into “balance.”
It’s a form of protection that plays out as self-sabotage. For example, if you’ve ever had a big win (a promotion, new relationship, standing your ground and speaking up for the first time), only to then get rear-ended, injured, drop your phone in the toilet, over eat, over spend, get into a fight with your partner, etc. It’s probably not due to bad luck. You most likely have hit your Upper Limit.
And, this, my friend, is good news. It’s an opportunity to reset that inner thermostat—but you have to be conscious in order to do it. Here are some steps for resetting your inner thermostat:
Step One: Acceptance
Know that Upper Limits are a part of life. You will most likely butt up against them time and time again. So, don’t beat yourself up or judge yourself when you do.
Instead, use each one as a learning moment. There is so much growth that accompanies them when they arrive, but you have to turn towards them in order to reap the rewards. Which means, you must pay attention to your internal and external experience. You have to notice when you block yourself from feeling good—and exactly how you do that. Maybe you use worry, criticism, blame, negative future fantasizing, confrontation, or self-sabotaging behaviors—or all of the above—to get yourself back to your comfortable happiness set point.
When you find yourself using one or all of these coping mechanisms, it’s time to get to work and move onto the next step.
Step Two: Reflection
Pause to find out what’s going on inside you. Get curious about the part of you that’s so uncomfortable experiencing this much goodness.
Your own personal inquiry is a powerful tool here. Ask yourself questions like: What just happened? What is triggering this upset inside of me? What am I telling myself about feeling this good? What is the cost of having this new promotion/weight loss/Tesla/joy? What will I lose? What part of me feels threatened?
Slow down and give yourself time to allow the answers to unfold. What’s taking place is a fundamental misunderstanding and your answers will help you see that more clearly. Then, from that vantage point, you’ll be able to give yourself, and all the wounded, worried parts of you, what they really need—love, compassion and attention.
My inner seven-year-old was the part of me that was terrified and needed love. She was the one who decided that the “good life” wasn’t meant for her. She was afraid I would leave her behind. So, I slowed down and spent time with her.
Step Three: Offer Yourself Loving Compassion
One way I do this is through writing. I open a blank document on my computer and go from there. You can use a journal or legal pad, whatever works for you. The point is to connect to the part of you that’s confused and hurting—to let that part be seen and heard.
I gave my inner seven-year-old a voice. I wrote whatever she said and then responded to her from my most loving, perspective today. It’s a dialogue I got to have with a confused part of myself, so we could heal and form a new understanding—that she (my inner seven-year-old) is also meant for the good life! I told her it’s ok for her to have all her heart desires. And, that I wasn’t going to leave her behind.
This was a powerful healing opportunity, which all Upper Limit moments offer.
Step Four: Expansion Experiment
Take on your own “Good Experiment.” Ask yourself: How good can I stand it? How good am I willing to let my life be?
Then see. Test it out. See how good you can take it.
This is a form of stretching. You may find it easy to expand into greater joy, more love, and heightened creativity. Or, you may find it challenging. And, if that’s the case, go back and follow Steps 1-3 to come to greater peace, acceptance, and love.
Have you experienced an Upper Limit Issue? If so, how did you get through it? I’d love to hear from you! Please share in the comments below.
With loving,
Amber
I’ve definitely experienced this and I think I’m experiencing it now. Last April, I quit my job. At the beginning of the month, I spent a few hours or so working on our budget and felt super excited because financially, things looked really good. Then, a day later, someone had smashed one of my car windows, trying to break in. After that, I couldn’t stop worrying about money for months!
Right now, I’m having some really bad reflux issues…I’m actually having an endoscopy done tomorrow. I *think* it might be connected to more career stuff I’ve got going on. It started in the summer, when I made the decision to look for FT therapy work…and has continued to now…two weeks before I start a job that is the PERFECT next step in my career. I hadn’t really thought about the reflux as me hitting an Upper Limit, but you’ve definitely given me something to think about. Thanks for this…and congrats on the Tesla!!!
Dear Akirah: Wow. There is so much good stuff in your share. Congratulations on quitting your job last April. That’s huge! And, how fantastic you have found another job that feels like the perfect fit. Good for you.
Sounds like this post is quite timely – which I love! No coincidence there. I admire your slowing down to listen to your body and take care of her…and I suspect that your intuition regarding an Upper Limit may be accurate. In my experience, when I take the time to explore what’s going on inside of me, the physical symptoms tend to diminish pretty quickly. Clearly – keep your doctor’s appointments and honor what feels best to you regarding what they say. And, my encouragement would be to experiment. Take on the steps I share in the blog and see what you discover. See what comes up for healing…and then pay attention. See if your symptoms lessen.
I hope this is helpful. Love, Amber
Hi Amber! Wanted to let you know that this post was helpful for me when you first posted it, and I’m returning to it again now, purposefully. Last weekend I had some major successes and felt a pure creative joy and connection that I had never felt before. No neuroses. No agenda. Pure joy acting on stage, producing a play, officiating a bat mitzvah. And I killed it, truly. I let my heart shine, shine, shine. Leading up to it however were some interesting moments. A break in in my apartment. Not eating well / not sleeping. Totally scattered. And then, in the middle of the run, a stomach virus and weepy grief…followed by getting back on the stage and giving in to the moment. The week after I’ve been allowing myself to decompress on purpose – did not over schedule because I am prioritizing loving myself and self nourishment…only to wake up yesterday with a pinched nerve in my back!!! Oh, and this past week I started talking to guys for the first time after months of grief over my ex. Honestly. I just keep breaking the rules I previously had for myself like a big lioness warrior….and my body has A LOT to say about it. It’s almost funny except the pain is not! So I came back to this post and will work all the steps. Also getting a two hour massage today and meeting up with a friend to discuss my latest draft of my screenplay that I want to shoot this summer.. I have broken all my myths and rules about myself…and I am tired…no wonder my body is freaking out!!!! Thanks again for this post. And being an amazing role model of celebration and self-love. -Mel (director of Why I Dance)
I just want to say thank you for that post! Now I understand what is going on with me sometimes… Your insight here is so helpful, deep and true! xxx