Body, I Turned My Back On You

If you’ve been a part of this community for a little while, you know I regularly share from my personal stories, struggles and experiences. Well, today is a little different. I’m opening myself more fully than ever. I debated on whether I should share this post or not, and decided yes. It might be exactly what you need to hear today.

So, after a month of going pretty much non-stop, I took the day completely off on Sunday. I lounged by the pool, napped and read a fiction novel on my Kindle. It was great. It felt so luxurious. However, as I laid there allowing my thoughts to spiral, drifting between awake and asleep, I came to a huge awareness. One that resonated with my soul.

Over the last year I had abandoned my body.

What? How can you abandon something that is attached to you? Something that is with you everyday? You can. Here’s what happened to me.

I went through a heartbreak and in a way, turned my back on not only my body, but myself. It started off small, subtle. An extra hour of sleep here and there – telling myself that’s what my body really needed. When in fact, I was numbing out, escaping my hurt. (Which on some level, I needed.)

Then came the old habit of taking comfort in food. Again, starting off small. Eating a little extra at lunch or having a cookie after dinner. But, before I knew it, my sabotaging behaviors were making themselves at home in my skin. My familiar friend, sugar, was there for me, ready to soothe my hurt and help me escape my pain.

Soon after, I stopped exercising as much. I stopped jogging and started walking. I stopped S Factor. I stopped going out to play with friends and started watching television. After about two months, I knew something was very wrong and I tried to get a hold on my actions, but on some level, I still wasn’t ready.

I decided to explore a new way of eating and a different, more relaxed exercise schedule. I was trying to be compassionate, gentle and loving with myself. Or, so I thought.

Then came the next phase – the I’ll pour myself into my work phase. bodyheart was where I found my joy, so it was easy to spend 18 hours a day there. I love learning and creating and I got to learn and create something new every single day. Work suddenly became my new drug. In fact, so much so that I’d forget to eat and certainly wouldn’t take the time to exercise.

I went from one extreme to the other. And then would catch myself and try to adjust and find some balance. Those phases lasted for about a month, but before too long one of the self-sabotaging behaviors would kick in.

I gained a few pounds. No big deal. I’m getting older. My metabolism is changing. I found myself hiding more in my clothes, not wanting to be seen. Without even realizing it, I put a cap on my capacity to experience joy.

Now, please know, the entire year wasn’t all bad, I had a lot of amazing good times and moments of feeling incredible in my body, but the struggle was way more present than I was used to. So, on Sunday when I heard that little voice inside say, “You’ve abandoned me,” I knew it was true. I had never put it in those words before. I had abandoned my body. I turned my back on her. 

My sweet body who loved me. Supported me. I had neglected her.

After a few tears and some apologies, I was ready. Ready to wake up. Ready to support her. I realized how much I missed working out. I’m an athlete. I grew up dancing. I love the challenge. I love the exhaustion and the motivation that comes from a really good workout. So, I’ve started jogging and hiking and S Factor-ing regularly. And it feels GREAT!

I’ve stopped eating vegan/vegetarian and am allowing myself to include more organic animal products like fish and eggs. I forgot how much I love them. I’m already feeling a difference, especially when I workout.

I’ve taken a step back from bodyheart, trusting that all will get done that needs to each day. I’m reaching out to my real friends more and lessening my time on Facebook. I’m expanding my cap on joy, starting my day with Lucky time . . . and so much more.

I share all this with you today as a reminder that growth is a process, not an event. And, for whatever reason, I wasn’t ready to fess up to my hurt. I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist, but it did. And, my denial caused me to create hurt inside myself in other ways. Which is also totally okay. It was all part of my process and I fully accept that.

I’m not telling myself I did anything wrong. I’m not wishing anything were different. I’m just happy to see my friend – my body. And, am grateful to want to take care of her. To make her (and me) a priority. To feel like I deserve happiness, joy and abundance again.

Today, no matter where you are, trust your process. The more you can be with yourself wherever you are, the better. If you are struggling to overcome a heartbreak – maybe from a break-up or a dream lost / unfulfilled – and are participating in sabotaging behavior, maybe you just aren’t quite ready to let go of the pain. The challenge is making that okay and having faith to know that this too shall pass.

If you liked today’s post, I invite you to share it in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.

Thank you for reading this and being such a beautiful part of this community.

Love,
Amber