This was Offensive to Some

Recently I posted a photo on Facebook that received some negative feedback. Some found it offensive.

Before you rush down to see the pic below, I invite you to read this entire blog. I share more of my story than I ever have.

Between the years of 1990-2008, I had an obsession with changing my body. Almost every waking moment was spent thinking about how I could change my body because I believed that was the key to my happiness.

I grew up dancing. My dance teacher was like a second mom to me. I loved her. She was talented and beautiful and successful. I wanted to be her. In fact, many people thought I was her because my mannerisms were so similar to hers!

Imagine how heart-broken I was the day she told me I needed to lose 20 pounds in order to go to college for dance.

Punch in the gut.

Evidence collected that my body wasn’t good enough.

I immediately started a Saltine cracker and green apple diet.

In college, I studied musical theater. Dance was my greatest love, so I spent hours in front of the mirror in dance class – judging & comparing my body to everyone else. Wishing I were thinner. I felt flawed and defective and knew that my body was standing in the way of my happiness.

My sophomore year – I was an RA – living in the dorm, and I liked a guy who lived on the floor above me. He was tall, popular, could make me laugh. The kind of guy people just enjoyed being around.

Imagine how it felt when he described me as “too thick” to be attractive.

Punch in the gut.

Evidence collected that my body wasn’t good enough.

It was here where my obsession with diet books and going to the gym took over.

I moved to New York to pursue my dream of working on Broadway. I spent years pounding the pavement, trying to lose weight, without much change. But, I never gave up. I knew the next diet program would be THE ONE to fix me.

By this time, I was pretty bitter and angry. I was tired of not getting the results I wanted. I was tired of struggling. Struggling to lose weight. Struggling to get acting work. Struggling to pay my bills. Struggling to find love.

I felt like the world owed me, because I had suffered long enough. I blamed my body, the industry, my dance teacher…even God. Actually, mostly God. “Why did He mess up on me? Why did He give me this body? Why did He abandon me? Hadn’t I proved I was a good girl?”

Then, I finally got my “big break”. I was cast in Mamma Mia. All my years of hard work had finally paid off. This would be the end of all my suffering…NOT!

Punch in the gut.

Evidence collected.

Working on Broadway actually created the opposite effect. It increased the pressure I was putting on myself, because now I was successful and in order to stay there, I had to be the best and prove to everyone else that I deserved to be there.

Enter more restriction diets and binge eating – and hating myself. Hating myself for hiding food. Hating myself for eating in secrecy. Hating myself for eating so much I felt sick. Hating myself so much for not having the willpower to stick with a diet. Hating myself. Period.

My frustration with my career led me to Los Angeles. I thought, “it must be the theater industry that doesn’t get me. It must be New York. Moving to LA is the answer.”

Nope.

Another punch in the gut.

Moving to LA to pursue film and television heightened my thinner-is-better, body-obsession disease like nothing else.

I sat across from a manager who told me I was past my prime (at 26) and that my hips and butt were too big. I sat across from an agent who told me my “face and upper body were pretty good, but I needed to do something about my lower half”. 

Everywhere I turned I was greeted with the message that my body wasn’t good enough. My body had to change.

Even in my romantic relationship. I was dating a man I loved so deeply. I thought we were going to get married and have children and the white picket fence…

Imagine how it felt when he told me he wished “I was taller. Thinner. And, had larger breasts.”

Another punch.

More fuel to the fire.

This cycle of self-loathing continued until I went to my master’s program at the University of Santa Monica, where I learned the meaning of love. Real love. And, through my own school project, I learned how to apply that love to my body; thus changing the course of my life and work forever.

What I couldn’t see in ALL the stories I shared above until years later was that I was a contributor to each and every one of those offenses. I wasn’t the victim – as I thought and played out for years. It wasn’t everyone else’s fault that I was the way I was. It was mine.

My deep self-hatred and destructive actions caused my suffering. 

That wasn’t an easy pill to swallow. But, it was required for my liberation.

One day I woke up to realize:

This is my life – how do I want to be with MYSELF and MY BODY as I live it.

Enter the picture I shared on Facebook:

Obviously, the work Mother Teresa did on this planet was incredible and this is not meant to take away from that.

It’s meant to highlight an important issue of our time: We, as women, are incredible and powerful, and yet, we are actively participating in our own oppression. We play so small because we buy into this idea that our body isn’t enough. (Tweet It!)

I look back at those 18 years and wonder – what might I have created had I stopped complaining and obsessing about my body?

How many years have you been suffering? What might YOU be creating instead?

Think about how much time and mental energy you devote to hating your body, complaining about her, worrying what you should and shouldn’t eat and wanting to fix her. Imagine what you could create if you took even half of that energy and applied it to your career? Your relationship? Your sisterhood and community?

What then?

I invite you to really imagine what that would feel like. To wake up with passion and drive for your life because you are living on purpose, present and available and making a difference to yourself and those around you.

Woman, you got shit to do.

The question is – are you willing to do it?

Inside my 8-week program, the Rock Your Body Challenge, you are going to have an opportunity to experience the love I talk about above, so you can release your judgments and have more space for other, more important and meaningful things.

If you are curious about what I am talking about and what that looks like for you, I invite you to send me an email and I’ll find time to explore with you.

I am sending a special blessing of loving and compassion to you and your body today. I am holding for your healing, transformation and freedom.

With loving,
Amber