Today I’m sharing something I’ve never shared before. It’s what I was inspired to write and is a beautiful exampe of what’s possible when we truly heal our past.
Over the weekend I saw Saving Mr. Banks. What a beautiful film. It’s heart is in telling the story of how Mary Poppins came to be.
I grew up with Mary Poppins. She is very special to me, so it was easy for me to open my heart and get transported to a different world – with a new understanding.
When leaving the theater, I really thought about the beauty and power of storytelling, and how in this particular story, the author got to rewrite her past. She got to reframe the bad and make it into something good. And, we, the audience, got to witness her transformation.
This film is a true example of the healing process. So many of us have childhood wounds that are holding us back to this very day. We saw something, said something, did something or had something said or done to us that is influencing the way we see and act in the world.
Healing is a process, not an event, and P.L. Travers (the creator of Mary Poppins) demonstrated this so clearly in Saving Mr. Banks. The reward for her willingness and courage to reframe her hurts is something that is available to all of us.
What would it look like if you got to go back in time and see your past with new eyes? What would it be like if you could go into your memory and reframe the pain into something good; thus giving yourself a new story.
See, our memories, as much as we hold them as true, aren’t always accurate. They are influenced by our age, culture, environment, perspective, attitude. And sometimes, often times, can hurt us more than help us.
Here’s an example from my own life: I have a memory of me with my mom and dad. I’m around age 5 and we had my cousin over for pizza and play time. As we were playing, I told my dad I would eat two slices; yet, when the time came to actually eat, my eyes were bigger than my stomach and I could only eat one slice. That made my dad really angry. So angry that he started screaming at me, my cousin and especially my mom. He ended up punching a hole in the wall while my cousin and I hid in the closet.
My little 5-year-old self didn’t know or understand what was happening. She believed that she did something wrong. That she caused her dad’s anger. That this was her fault. “If only I had eaten the second slice, none of this would’ve happened.”
I never wanted to set off my dad again, so I catered to him. I became the ‘good girl’. Always wanting to make him happy and, at the same time, yearning for his love and attention.
This theme played out into my adulthood, in my relationships with men and authority figures… until I went back and applied love to my internal wounds.
The truth was that my biological dad was an alcoholic at that time who had a hot temper. He was unhappy in his marriage and his life in general. His reaction had nothing to do with me. And, when I could finally see that, both my dad and I were free.
For the first time, I could see him and his wounds. I could see he was doing his best with what he knew. And, I could forgive him and myself. After not talking for 15+ years (healing is a process, not an event), we now have a relationship that is based in loving kindness. I attribute this to the growth and healing we have both done – separately and together.
I share this today as an example of what’s possible with the healing of memories. Part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for our lives, our feelings, our past, our pain and our victories. All of it. The good and the bad.
What can you look back on and see differently today? That option is always available to you. If you feel so called, you are welcome to share in the comments below.
Thank you for reading today’s vulnerable post. I appreciate you seeing me.
With loving,
Amber
Amber, thank you for sharing this story. By doing so you become more “real” to your readers and it allows us to be open and vulnerable in our own lives. Thank you!
Mucho love,
gretchen
@Gretchen – Thank you for reading and sharing your support of this level of vulnerability in my posts. I appreciate it.
Amber,
Thank you for sharing that. I too had issues with my dad and feeling like I could never please him and measure up. Unfortunately, he has passed on now. Even though my attempts to reconcile in adulthood failed, I know that I did try to the extent that I could.
@Sherry – I am so sorry to know about your dad. No matter whether he received your efforts or not, you absorbed the healing through your actions. And, I’m pretty certain he did too – even if he was unwilling to admit it. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing, Amber. I realize it’s a very difficult and very vulnerable thing to do. My mother was who I felt I always had to please. She pushed me in to doing things and “trying out” for things that I really didn’t want to because she never had the opportunities to do so. And when I didn’t succeed, I felt doubly bad/guilty. I never felt her unconditional love until she was dying. I think she did the best she could do. I loved her anyway.
Kim
Kim – Thank you for sharing your story here. I am certain your mother did the best she could. She thought she was serving you, even if it didn’t feel that way. The great news is you got to experience her unconditional love in the end.
Thanx for sharing! I loved the movie! Walt Disney is an example of how anything can be or become positive!
Josy – I’m so glad you loved the movie and this post. Walt Disney can definitely make anything positive…and so can we!
Amber, thanks for sharing. I really needed to read this. Healing/ and then changing my views of my own childhood have been such a long process that I appreciate seeing others voice what was & how they’ve risen above or even, used it to become the best version of themselves. Recently I had an event where a drunk guy that was coming on to me in a bar became belligerent to me in front of my friends when I turned him down. I found myself taking on the shame of someone else’s ugly words and actions towards me at first. I was embarrased to repeat what he had said about me to others, but my friends encouraged me to let go of owning this shame & by stating his words, seeing that his actions had nothing to do with me–he is responsible for his own behavior, and letting it go, I really felt empowered, and empowered to revisit past hurts & shame that I took on as a child living in a home with an alcoholic parent. So thank you very much for sharing your story, it makes me realize that we’re all not alone.
Tammy – We are so NOT alone in having past wounds. Everyone does. It’s part of the human condition. I really acknowledge you for facing the shame and sharing with your friends what the man said. I’m sure they were able to help you see more clearly. And, as much as he is responsible for his behavior, you are responsible for your response. Seems that moment created some powerful healing for you.
By sharing this it shows that you really are free of it and now know the event had nothing to do with you. I now understand why you so quickly were able to help me with my father and his behaviors. Thank you so much.
Linda – Thank you. And, yes, my past has definitely allowed me to further assist clients. I’m so glad I was able to help you become more free too.
Dear Amber-
Thank you for sharing. Clearly the work is in the body of this beautiful story filled with USM skills, loving, forgiving and moving forward. Just so you know I am incredibly proud of you and honor not only who you are as a woman but where you are going as you heal the world.
as always
in loving gratitude,
Jennifer
xo
Jennifer – You are so kind and loving. Your comment means so much to me. Thank you. And, yes, lots of work – that has definitely paid off. Sending you a big hug.
What a beautiful post, Amber. Your vulnerability is inspiring, as is your maturity and compassionate approach. I especially love how you describe healing as a process, not an event. So true. Big hugs!
Megan – Thank you. I appreciate you reading and commenting. I can’t take credit for the ‘healing as a process, not an event’ – that’s what I learned at USM (and try my very best to live). xo
Amber you are a true inspiration! Thank God there are beautiful women like you in the world who are committed to sharing with vulnerability. I so appreciate your truth, and your message. Thank you 😉
Molly – Thank you. I so appreciate your loving words.
Thank you for sharing and being so brave and vulnerable. I too grew up in an alcoholic home and know the pain and the shame that can come with living in an unstable home. I have been healing my childhood most of my adult life. I also the “healing as a process, not an even”.
Thank you again Amber!
with love and gratitude always,
Tracy
Tracy – It’s true – healing is a process, not an event. I’m so happy to hear you are choosing the learning, growing and healing path.
Amber,
Thanks for sharing some of your more painful memories. Right
On!! That you have a better relationship now. My Dad was a
good person. I was scard of him till I left the house at 16.
Then after going through my Psyc roation in Nursing school;
I was able to you my new tools and I confront him about issues surrounding my childhood and could we start over.
He did not want. I got up from the table went out into the
kitchen and i was so proud of my self for two reasons 1) I ddidn’t let him intimidate me & 2) my older brother sat at the table too crying the whole time because I was saying things he needed to say . So it was healing for the both of us.My dad sttitude was not positive and he did want fight his Parkinson. So now that I think about it I did get ccloser. My Step Dad has giving more fathering in the past 15yrs then my Dad did 30+