As I’ve been sitting with 2023, I’ve found myself reflecting on my relationship with wanting.
Looking back I see three specific phases.
Phase One: Demand
I used to love to dream big for the new year. I couldn’t wait to plot and plan. The fresh start offered me hope that I might finally experience a year when I felt good enough.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but that is what I was after.
January 1st would arrive and I would think, “This is the year I’ll make $100K in my business, feel strong in my body and find a loving, romantic partner.”
For at least four (possibly five) years in a row, those were my goals. They were all I wanted—because if I had those I would be good enough. And, year after year, when those things didn’t line up, I felt like a failure. Crushed by disappointment and judgment, I used those results as evidence to prove there was something wrong with me.
After a while, I stopped dreaming. I stopped wanting. It was just too painful.
Phase Two: Wait to Be Told
This season began with healing. Through personal and spiritual growth work I lived more into the knowing that nothing outside of me could make me good enough. That learning freed me to a new relationship with myself and with Life—one that was more open, relaxed, and peaceful.
I was so grateful to be residing more in this truth that I wanted to honor my newfound connection with the Divine. I thought the best way to do that was to let Life show me what to want.
Basically to have no wants of my own—to receive guidance and then take action from there.
I thought I was being a “good spiritual student”.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had a big judgment running that wanting things was egoic and bad. So, of course, I did the opposite! That good girl programming is very strong.
Phase Three: True Partnership
You can see from the above that I went from one extreme (having all kinds of wants and demands) to another (having no wants at all).
Imagine these as romantic relationships. In phase one, a partner is demanding and expecting all their needs to be met without considering the other person. In phase two, a partner is waiting to be told what to do all the time by their partner.
Neither of these is a true partnership.
Only recently have I been exploring this as it pertains to my wants and dreams.
What if I could participate more in my partnership with Life? What if I could make requests for things I want or think would be fun without being attached to the result?
Dipping my toes back into the land of dreaming feels uncertain. Honestly, it feels vulnerable. For two reasons:
1) I am getting back in touch with what I want. Between the pain of the past disappointment and the belief that “good girls don’t want”—this is uncomfortable. I’m facing these misunderstandings so I can let them go and open to hearing my heart’s desires.
2) Asking for what you want is vulnerable. This applies in any area of life. Embedded in that act is a valuing of self; “hey, my voice and my request matter”—and that’s true. And, on the other side, just because you ask doesn’t mean you’ll get.
So…I’m practicing. I’m starting small.
I’m asking for spaciousness inside as I go through my day. I’m asking to hear from someone I haven’t talked to in a long time. I’m asking for clarity on my website and a book.
Sometimes I get what I ask for right away—and sometimes I don’t. And that’s ok.
I’m also deeply listening—because maybe Life has an even better idea for me than I could ever imagine.
This, to me, is true partnership. There is a giving and receiving of ideas, an acknowledgment that both sides are valuable and have something to contribute, a regard for the other side’s point of view, and an acceptance that neither party will always get their request met.
Maybe you see yourself and your relationship with wanting reflected here. Maybe not. Maybe you’re in an even more evolved place. Awesome. And, if that’s the case, tell me more!
No matter what, I wish you the joy of truly knowing you, your heart’s desires, and a deep partnership with Life.
With Fierce Loving,
Jeffrey Carson says
Beautiful and spot on! I think you are so amazing in regard to your Fierce pursuit of your peace, inner fulfillment and your heart’s desire!
I’ve watched from a distance since USM and I acknowledge you for your commitment to Life, Love, Spirit and Yourself! You’re a true inspiration and I have learned to always take time to read when I see a posting by you! You’re a beautiful example and inspiration of one who is filled with Life, Love, Spirit and Wisdom! It’s so apparent!
Nothing but acknowledgment, Light and Love to you!
Please keep going as I know you will, Fiercely!
So happy to be able read what you write and share!!!
All the Blessings of Love, Light, Healing and Truth!!! 💜🙏🏼✨
Jeff! What a treat to see you here. We have known each other for a long time. I appreciate all the reflections you share. Thank you. And, I’m sending you lots of love as you continue to open to your inspiration and heart’s desires! xo-A