Compulsive Eating: From Self-Judgment to Wholeness
Photo by Courtney Lindberg
I just wrapped up my first four-day private intensive with a client in my retreat space and I can honestly say—it was nothing short of magical. The depth, insight, and transformation that unfolded was profound. It's amazing what happens when we allow ourselves to trust something greater than our plans.
At the start of the retreat, though, I wasn't entirely sure how things would go. In the past, I led intensives using a structured format—a mix of practices, teaching, and exercises to fill the time, believing the value came from the content. However, my recent awakening led me to approach this intensive differently, finding real benefit in letting go of "doing" and embracing the surprises that come from simply being.
For these four days, I decided to show up without a plan—no agenda, no scripts—just the present moment to guide us. Part of me knew this approach would serve the client, considering how much I've gained from being present and allowing insights to arise organically. Yet another part of me wasn't so sure. Old voices of doubt lurked just beneath the surface: You should have something ready just in case. This is too easy; you're not doing enough. You need to work harder. You need to teach something to prove your value.
I didn't even notice those insecurities until one evening when I found myself in a compulsive eating spiral. After dinner, I couldn't stop stuffing my face with sugary snacks! This behavior wasn't new; I have a long history with food. However, because this pattern rarely occurs these days, I'm more aware of it when it shows up.
The next morning, I woke up feeling uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. Judgment and a wave of shame washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes. Yet, during a walk with my dog, I experienced a moment of clarity. While listening to my coach's podcast, she mentioned that behavior often reflects our state of mind, which stopped me in my tracks.
At that moment, I realized my system had been masking those feelings of inadequacy. With all the growth and change I've experienced this year, my coaching has evolved as well. I found myself lacking the confidence I once had, feeling like a beginner again—full of doubt and unsure about the impact of my work.
These insecurities had been operating unconsciously, as facing them on a conscious level felt unsafe—until my body gave me a clue. The compulsive eating was my system's way of releasing the pressure building up inside so that I could come back into a more regulated state. My system was actually taking care of me.
That insight was powerful; it allowed me to drop into compassion for myself instead of judgment. In the past, I would have either become preoccupied with punishing myself for overeating—distracting myself from recognizing the deeper insecurities that were up for healing—or rushed to "fix" the feeling of inadequacy by creating a script or researching a technique to teach the client, hoping to regain a sense of control. But this time, I didn't do either. I welcomed the feeling of ineptness and met it with love, restoring a sense of wholeness within myself.
Wholeness, after all, is about embracing everything—including our unpleasant emotions. When we can welcome all of ourselves, we come home to who we truly are. And from that place, we can see more clearly.
By the time I returned from my walk, I felt centered again. I accepted that I had doubts, and I continued to trust what I knew deep down: the present moment would be enough to guide the sessions.
Guess what? That day turned out to be the most impactful for my client. More of their unconscious patterns surfaced—just like mine had the night before. By coincidence? I think not. ;)
Our systems are wise. They're always doing their best to take care of us, even when we fall into behaviors we judge as "bad" or "wrong." For me, the compulsive eating was a sign of health. It was my system's way of responding to a need I hadn't yet recognized. Only by slowing down, putting aside my self-judgment, and opening to curiosity could healing begin.
To be clear: I'm not saying that compulsive eating is healthy. I'm not giving a free pass for “bad” behavior. I'm simply highlighting how our system responds to our state of mind. And how our state of mind is often unconscious and out of our control—until we settle and see more clearly. Because of this, the best way we can meet ourselves in moments of suffering is with compassion.
This is true for you, too. Whatever you're facing, whatever doubts or struggles arise, remember that wholeness comes from welcoming it all. When we do this, we access a deep well of wisdom within ourselves, and from there, we find the freedom and peace we've been searching for.
As you navigate your own challenges, take a moment to pause and welcome whatever arises. You might be surprised by the insights and growth that come from simply being present with yourself.
Wishing you deep nourishment from being in the present,
Amber
ps: If you're a coach and want more of this type of deep inner healing for yourself and your clients, I have a program coming up that may serve you. Email me at hello@amberkrzys.com and I can share more details with you there!
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